Is it money in the bank, a house of your own, a multitude of toys? Is it having a husband/wife and children to look after and having someone looking after you? Whatever it means, it can all be taken away in a single moment in time. Think it cannot happen to you? Think of Job and I can personally think of a good many women who have had it happen to them.
It seems the topic of security is very big in my life right now. At times it threatens to overwhelm and take me down to where I see everything in light of what I 'don't have'. I hate that. I would rather learn to be content in where I am right now, but I have to confess, it's a struggle at times.
Almost every little girl grows up daydreaming of what it will be like to have her own home and family. She alone knows what it looks like, right down to the least detail. In that dream lies her idea of what she needs to meet the number one need of women the world over ~ security.
For some women the daydream takes a different bend in the road. If her childhood home was not secure, no daddy, no stability, few new clothes and living hand to mouth, her 'dream' may be to one day be independent and provide for her own security. She will depend on no one.
I'm sad to say, almost every woman I know has had her dream shattered. Some during their childhood and some after reaching for the dream and finding ashes in their hands.
Some of us thought we found the right man and worked to build the dream into reality only to find out years later the husband had different dreams and it ended. With that ended her security, or the dream of what security looked like for her.
I lived my dream for the better part of 25 years and it turned to ashes. No, it wasn't always perfect as in my childhood dream, but I worked hard to do all I knew to do.
For the past 14+ years I've been on my own. I've tried to fulfill that dream many times over and never once did it work as I hoped. What happened? I really have no idea! All the right components were there, sans husband, but it never worked out. I've written in my journal, talked a lot to God and with trusted friends, but never could I figure out why that now-seemingly illusive dream of security could not be reached.
Then I remembered a couple of Scripture verses God gave me quite a few years ago:
Isa 50:11: "But watch out, you who live in your own light and warm yourselves by your own fires. This is the reward you will receive from me: You will soon lie down in torment".
Jer 2:13: "For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water".
Now, I'm no Bible scholar and I don't know what that says to you, but basically what God was saying to me was He would provide for me, that if I strive to provide for myself, it would not turn out well. Silly me, I thought this meant God would provide through my own efforts!! Sometimes He does, but this has not been what He's been doing in my life.
No, it doesn't mean I sit back and do nothing, it means doing today what He gives me to do and leaving tomorrow to Him to work out.
All along, if you asked me, I would have said I was depending on God to provide for me. After all, I've rarely been out of work, I've always had a place to live, it's just, well . . . it never worked out in that permanent, secure way of my dreams, it always failed in some way or another.
To "lie down in torment", what does that mean to you? To me it means lying down not knowing how long I will be able to live where I am or if i can pay all the bills and still eat. To lie down in torment also means living all alone, for me anyway.
I see other women with the security of investments, with good homes, secure in their marriage and family, in the homes they've built. I see women secure in their jobs, their incomes secure to provide what they need. I see all this and wonder why that security has escaped me. Certainly I am qualified enough to have a good job, I have the smarts to provide for good job security but . . . . I am beginning to believe this is not the road to security Abba has me on. I'm beginning to believe He has something different, perhaps something more for me to learn and understand about His provision and care, that perhaps there is so much 'more' than striving and fussing and worrying about my own security. Perhaps this is how I come to know His love for me; in seeing how He provides for me when I stop plotting and planning and leave it to Him to show me the what, where and when of it all.
If I look at it all honestly, I can now see it's been me all along who has tried to make that childhood dream come true and it just isn't working! I have laid down in torment for more years than I care to think. I have manipulated everything (in the nicest possible sense) and worked myself into exhaustion to provide for my own security and it's just not worth it.
So, after all these years of living alone, trying to make my own version of 'the dream' come true, I've come to the place where ~ I give up!! I have decided to live 'today' doing what I know to do and let God worry about tomorrow, it will come soon enough. Hmmm, see Matt. 6:34.
If and when God says to move, my first question will be, "where to Abba?" Then wait for His answer.
I finally 'get' that security cannot be in people or possessions or the homes we live in; they can only be found in God, in His wise provision for our lives.
So I shall endeavour to let Him provide the place for me to lie down; my home, and I will let Him be my Living Water; my provision for my daily needs.
Psalm 4:8 says, "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you alone O Lord make me to dwell in safely." This is my goal, to lie down and sleep in peace and live in safety.
I don't for any reason imagine it will be easy giving up my ideas, my dreams, but this I know ~ God is so much bigger, smarter, wiser than I am, so I figure He can do a better job.
Let me sum up, in all my striving and manipulating life to provide for myself, it has never worked, therefore, it is now God's turn!
The bottom line is this, I have never lived under a bridge in a cardboard box. I am secure, I am provided for and none of my efforts accomplished this. For those of you who are interested to know, I am currently living in a room with all my personal belongings in boxes in storage. I don't have my own living room, my own kitchen or utensils or my own bathroom. But, I am not living alone and neither do I lie down in torment!
And . . . . I am still not living under a bridge in a cardboard box.
Blessings from a Girl on a Journey, a whole new journey.