"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds . . ." Wm Shakespeare

Monday, December 21, 2009

Learning Addict > HELP!!!

I just graduated from the Personal Support Worker course in July, 2009. It was pretty intense and when it was finished I determined I was just going to work and enjoy life. No more school!!! I had had enough of school work taking over my life.

However, here I am, a mere five months after finishing and I'm planning to take an online course in January.

I think this means I'm addicted to learning. I can't seem to help myself. I seem to always need the challenge learning something new brings into my life.
The number of College courses I've taken in my adult years would be enough to add up to a whole University degree by now, but that would have been too normal for me!

Is this a character flaw? Or, is my life so boring and uninteresting this is how I jazz it up?

Given all this, I'm also pragmatic enough to know I may not always be physically able to work as a PSW since it's so very physically demanding. Also, given that I originally graduated as a Medical Secretray, I need to beef up my knowledge in this area. When I last worked in a medical office, we did OHIP billing by hand!!

So it seems right to me to upgrade and attain new certification while the long winter looms ahead. Plus, having only moved here, I've not yet had time to make a lot of friends and sometimes my free time hangs heavy on my hands.

Thus, rather than aimlessly playing around on Facebook or some other computer game, I will put my free time toward something which will enhance my education and work potential.

This means taking a few online courses, which if taken at face value, is playing around on the computer, just in a different kind of game!

Win/win as far as I'm concerned, yeah?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Stupidity & Greed of Man

If you read the article regarding the latest find for fighting H1N1 you will see it says "A strain of natural human proteins have been found to help ward off swine flu and other viruses including West Nile and dengue"

It also says "researchers lead by the Howard Hughes Medical Institute (HHMI) found that these certain proteins have powerful antiviral effects by blocking the replication of viruses."


Would someone please tell me why we want them to mess about with that which we are already in possession of naturally? If we already have it, we don't need a synthetic version! What we need is to go back to eating what God gave us to eat and dump the junk food which so characterises what we call food today, but is nothing but packaged preservatives with colors and added nutrients so we have the illusion of healthy food.

God created us with everything we need to live, gave us a brain to use to look after our bodies for good health and longevity and man has continually set about to mess it up because of stupidity and greed.

Scientists will spend billions researching something which we already have.

If they would use this information and those billions to educate the world, we would reap those benefits. But no, they will spend billions to create a vaccine of synthetic proteins copying the very thing we ALREADY HAVE, so we can continue to choose our selfish, lazy eating lifestyles and take our 'vaccine fix' to 'fix' what we have broken by our unhealthy choices. Trust me, we will and are already reaping what we have chosen. This is the stupidity.

The greed comes into it because of the profits the big drug companies make when they push this 'new and improved' vaccine on unsuspecting, uneducated and brainless 'sheeple' as they did with the other 'necessary' vaccines. The greed comes in as government officials and the medical profession take their kickbacks from the big pharma companies. We are the ones to lose. The greed also comes into it because we are mostly a people who want what we want, when we want it and how we want it.

If you think about this too long, you will realize it's crazy-making to think this way.

By the way, has anyone heard about the H1N1 recall??? It seems there are way too many allergic reactions and they have pulled a large batch from being administered. Too bad for those who've already bought into the hype and got the shot, too bad for those who've had bad, life-threatening reactions or have died, who will now live with this poisonous affect the rest of their lives! This report also says it's not potent enough, so those who were given the shot from that batch may have to take another shot. Well do people now wait and give them the new and improved version with synthetic proteins which they already have? Or give them another dose of the ineffective one?

Can we really trust or believe what governments, the medical profession who speak the approved 'party line' or the drug companies who brainwash them when just months after telling us how safe this vaccine is, now has to recall huge batches (reports say from 150,000 to 800,000 batches) of the original H1N1 vaccine?
How effective can it be if they now have to recall it?
How effective and believable is it when they have now found this new protein, which we already are producing in our bodies?
How do we believe such duplicity?
How can we possibly believe 'this' will be safe?

They will say it's naturally producing so our bodies will accept it. Not so. Remember they used an adjuvant called Squalene, which is naturally produced in our brains, but our bodies reacted with neurological problems such Guillain-Barre Syndrome and what is known as the Gulf War Syndrome. There have been reported paralysis with H1N1 and bad allergic reactions. Can we really believe what they will say next time about this?

Please help me understand where it was humanity first started believing scientists and governments know more about being healthy than God does? Did they create life? No, but God did. Seems to me a reasonal conclusion that God is the one who would know how to keep His creation healthy. Too bad we believe the lies rather than the truth of Him who made us!

All I can think now is God forgive us for the messes we've made.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I wrote this in 2006, 3 years ago now and it was based on the past experience of a marriage gone wrong. I had been living single since 1996 and finally had put to rest all the hurt, angst and bad feelings generated by divorce after being married 25 years. I wrote this as a revelation from God and it felt so good to finally get to this point.

Today I re-read it. The last 3 years I've explored a couple of shall-we-say romantic relationships, one of which went as far as engagement before it too went horribly wrong. To say my heart was crushed would be an understatement, but I had learned to forgive and to refuse offense by this time and I applied that understanding as each fresh hurt was inflicted.
It worked, again.

Of course it worked, it's the basis of healing God gives us and I can say I am free of the effects of that wounded relationship also.

But the thing I wanted to say in regurgitating all that history, is this . . . . Loving Freely is as true today as when I wrote it. I have NOT been diminished by the rejection and betrayal delivered by a very wounded man. I believe my heart has grown more again in understanding; of me, of the very wounded condition of man and of God. There is a sense of being made stronger by this experience and the subsequent, though brief relationship which followed (it was a bust also!)

I've learned there is no failure in trying, that God is in it all even when it goes horribly wrong and He is still there wanting to comfort, give direction and love us through it all. He is there to show us so much in the lessons learned if we are open-hearted enough to see.

I cannot say I enjoyed these experiences of having my heart crushed, but I can say I don't regret it because of who I am today as a result of those experiences. I like me, I like who God is making me to be and I love that it's building a deeper, more intimate relationship between Him and me.

In short, it's all good!


No, I'm not harking back to the 60's Free Love movement, I'm talking about loving God's way.

I'm talking about Agape Love.

I know many of us are somewhat fearful of extending love, we've been hurt when we offered our love to others and were rejected.

But God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

Consider Jesus, He offered the ultimate love, was rejected more than us, to the death, and still He loves.

We give because of what we've been given, from God. If others cannot accept it, does this change who we are? Does it change God's opinion of us, His magnificent love for us? Does it change our personality, our giftedness, our knowledge or abilities? No, if you think about it, whether others respond to us favorably or walk away from our offers of love, it really makes no difference to the core of who we are.

We can live a life of living loved, loving lavishly out of that, refusing to be offended, realizing the others inability to receive is their issue not ours. Realizing we will have ample opportunity to be hurt because people are imperfect, well … it just gives us more opportunity to learn to forgive at another level, to the point where it becomes a lifestyle of freedom of offense, giving out love, touching the dry, parched lives that don't know God's amazing love.

I can't find the verse right now, but "they will know we are Christians by our Love" ( I know this is a 60's song, but I'm sure there's a verse too; found it > John 13:35 ) this is what I'm talking about. Let others see that we love deeply and freely, not holding ourselves back in fear of becoming rejected or being defensive when others treat us wrong.

Giving love to one who does not return it does not diminish us, I believe we become more like Jesus when we give without expectation.

It's a choice and I choose to love others (yes, still working on some people) and as God gives lavishly to me, I choose to give lavishly to others (yes, wisdom is involved with the opposite sex)

To go out each day determined to show love to all I encounter, to love freely, (as the book Captivating talks about, to offer my ‘beauty’ to others) to refuse offense, there is a great deal of freedom in this.

The Bible says it is more blessed to give than to receive, so consider this, when we lavishly give love, we are sowing love, and the law of sowing and reaping declares what we sow (give) we shall reap (receive).

So if we sow lavish love, what shall we reap? Being lavishly loved in return. I could use some of that, how about you?

It’s a win / win situation. God is wonderful isn't He?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Sometimes you just cry . . . .

Because of the direction given by a relative, one of our residents ended up with an open, bleeding wound from sitting up in their wheelchair all day long. You have to understand, some of these elderly ones have skin as thin as onion skin and when sitting so long in one position, the skin on their tailbones literally rubs off, leaving an open, very painful wound.

When I was cleaning them up for bed, their tailbone area was so sore they cried. What can I say? I gathered this one up in my arms, rocked them and cried with them as I tried to soothe and let them know I understood, felt sorry for having to hurt them and felt the injustice of what happened. The nurse came, dressed the wound and we made them as comfortable as possible, on their side!

God bless my co-worker, a wonderful and caring guy, who at first tried to laugh it off. Then when he realized I was not only feeling badly but was also very angry, he told me how he suffers each time his baby has a diaper rash. Same sort of deal, but this was the willfull decision of this residents relative who believes they know what is best. I would like to show them what their "best" resulted in!!!

I absolutely hate it when people take power-tripping advantages over ones who cannot speak up for themselves. It strikes at the very core of the justice I carry within and I'm afraid I don't handle it very well!

I'm discovering I have a deep well of compassion for the elderly, something I never knew was inside me. It's good. Well, except that just about every shift I could come home crying!!

Somewhere along the way, I need to toughen up emotionally without losing one tiny bit of this compassion. I need to learn how to handle the tragedy of some of these lives so I don't end up a basket case and so I can do what's best for them.

On Being Born Again

When I was born the first time, I was born into sin. Hard it is to believe a brand new baby is born a sinner, but that is not the point of this.

In my journey to learn to live loved, I just now realized when I was “born again” it was into bondage to religions demands and expectations, not into the freedom Christ died to give me. I had that BEFORE I was "born again".

I remember always, even as a young child, being friends with God, talking with Him all the time (I had very few friends) and we were developing a relationship.

Being a loner, I remember talking to Him when I walked the road to and from school, when I sat in the tops of trees swaying in the wind watching birds come and go. I talked with Him when I ran too fast and skinned my knees, when I saw something that make me feel sad. I just knew He was always there for me to talk to.
Then, when I was 15, ‘they’ convinced me I needed to be born again, I needed to say a prayer that I know now was not even in the Bible, but based on a bunch of Scripture put together to justify the “necessary” prayer. They dismissed my heart to heart relationship because I had not prayed the prayer according to their belief.

That was the moment I was born into bondage.

Who were ‘they’? They are the believers who believe more in the system, the rules and beliefs of Pharisees than in a real relationship with God. In fact when I was born again to their specifics, I joined Pharisee school and I graduated with full honors (heard that from someone else and it was so me I borrowed the phrase! Thanks Wayne!!).
When they convinced me I needed to be born again or I was going to hell, I remember thinking “God and I have been friends for a lot of years and He never said anything about being born again”. I look back and believe that was happening already as I talked with Him, He was changing my heart.

Oh how many years have been lost in our relationship because I was too busy dancing to the tune of the IC (institutional church) religious system.

That moment in time was the beginning of the worst of religions spiritual abuse and it continues to haunt my life to this day.

I fight to believe God loves me.

I fight to put off the heretical beliefs that religious abuse put on me.

I fight now to learn to live loved, being pulled one way because of the teachings from the law of present day Pharisees and the pull of the gentle Holy Spirit who wants to free me from the law.

I realize now, being born again doesn’t happen because I repeat a bunch of man-ordained words, being made new happens as I live in relationship with the Father and HE changes me. Just like being born the first time takes time, patience and hard work, being born again is a process of time and patience. It is at times painful as we struggle to throw off the old nature and put on the new and is an ever-evolving transition. To think saying a few words is enough to achieve this process is ludicrous.

Being born again is a life-long process which the Father is responsible to bring about in my life, it’s His job. Good thing too, because no matter how hard I tried to follow the rules and regulations, I couldn’t do it and believe me, I tried.

My part isn’t in saying a bunch of words, it’s responding to what He tells me, it’s being in relationship with the loveliest and safest Person I know and following in His footsteps, doing as He did, saying what He says.

Gosh, how thankful I am He continually talks to me, loves me and is ever present to reveal the past lies as He tells me what He really wants to say.

John 2: 24, 25: “But Jesus didn't entrust his life to them (man). He knew them inside and out, knew how untrustworthy they were. He didn't need any help in seeing right through them.” (Message)

It seems to me, if that was wise for Jesus, then it is wise for me. Help me Holy Spirit to see man with clarity and love them anyway.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Living Loved

Question: if I were living loved to the degree the Father loves me, what would that look like?

Would all worry cease?

I imagine so because I don’t think Jesus ever worried and He definitely lived loved by His Father! The Scriptures are full of evidence to that.

Would my life be exemplified by rest and an inner peace that could be seen and felt not just by me but by others and, would this rest and peace be seen by others and felt by me no matter the chaotic & challenging circumstances of life?

Again I imagine it so, as that is how Jesus lived His life, no matter the storms, no matter the chaos around Him, no matter the danger, the betrayal or challenges, Jesus was never side-lined by the circumstances of life. Neither did He question if His Father loved Him because bad things happened to Him. Being loved by His Father was never an issue and it was never questioned by God.

So, if I learn day by day and step by step to live my life knowing I am fully loved by God the Father and live in that love as Jesus did, I think I will be more like Jesus and live more as He did.

Well now, that’s a relief! If I can only figure out what living loved looks like in my life!

I know, one day at a time, one step at a time!

Blessings to you

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Greatest Apology Ever

Been thinking over the past year, taking stock so-to-speak of the things that hurt me or caused offense by the words and/or actions of others.

I don't want to carry those things with me into the new year, I want to lay them to rest and begin a fresh new year with a fresh new heart.

I have to keep in mind that forgiveness is not a simple matter, it is at times so emotionally difficult to even consider forgiving someone that I must shut down or disregard my feelings and choose with my will to forgive that person and refuse to be offended by their behaviour. And, sometimes it takes more than one choice to forgive the same thing, trusting it's going down to another level, scraping, cleaning out all the little pockets of offense one transgression at a time. Seems to me a very wise man said we need to forgive 70 X 7. Well, I'm not sure I've had to forgive that many times for one hurt, but there have been hurts from one person it took me 8 years to finally lay to rest till I no longer feel the pain of their actions.

It's on that basis I submit the following thoughts..................

I believe the Cross was a Divine Apology from Jesus to us and from Jesus to God.

I think as Jesus hung on the cross, He looked at humanity said, “On behalf of all the people who sinned against you and hurt you, I’m sorry it happened to you. I’m apologizing to you by paying for those sins against you. Please forgive them.”

Then I think Jesus turned to God the Father and said, “Father, on behalf of these sinners here, I’m sorry for all the sins they committed and I’m apologizing to You for them by hanging on this cross. Please forgive Me on their behalf as I carry their sin. And Father, please forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”

So that’s why I think the cross was the biggest apology ever.

Now, when someone hurts me, I imagine Jesus on the cross, saying, “Brenda, I’m sorry they hurt you. This should never have happened, but I hung on the cross to apologize for it and to lead you in the way of forgiveness. Because of the cross, I will take the hurt and offense from you. Will you forgive them and be free of this?”

You see, as Jesus hung there apologizing to the Father, He was saying, “Father I know they tried to apologize and make things right by all their sacrifices, but You and I know that didn’t work. So here I am, making apology for them.

When I imagine Jesus looking at broken humanity from the height of the cross, I see tears running down His face and that’s when I hear Him saying, “I am so sorry you’ve been hurt like this, but I’m paying the price for their sin against you, will you forgive them?”

When I think of Jesus on the cross paying the price for all sin, it makes it much easier to forgive the person responsible for hurting me. However, when I don’t forgive I’m hardening my heart and looking into the eyes of the gentlest Man that ever lived and say, “No it isn’t enough, the hurt is too bad for me to forgive.”

Really? The hurt is too bad? In the face of Jesus hanging on the cross AFTER all He endured before the cross, in the face of all his pain, I say my hurt is too bad to forgive? I make a mockery of His pain and suffering. I minimize the depth of pain He suffered as He took the weight of sin and disease from all humanity on His pain wracked body and say, “It isn’t enough, they don’t deserve it.”

The irony is that we don’t deserve to be forgiven either for our sin. The tragedy we don’t often understand is that forgiveness isn’t about the person who hurt us, about who deserves what or about letting them off the hook, it’s about us. It’s a gift from the Father given to set us free. Jesus will never let go of the sin done against us unless there has been full repentance and forgiveness from all parties. He will hold them accountable till the day of judgment. But, unless we forgive them, we will be ‘hooked’ to that person forever and it will have a toxic, poisoning effect on us all our lives. It will affect us physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially. It will affect our future relationships with everyone we are involved with. Most of all, it will affect our relationship with God the Father. He will not be able to forgive us our sins because we have not forgiven those who have sinned against us.

Close your eyes for a moment. Now think of one thing that someone has done to hurt you. Did someone betray your trust? Did they lie or gossip about you and hurt you? Did someone treat you unjustly? Have you been abused emotionally or physically?

Imagine you are looking at Jesus hanging on the cross. Imagine He is saying to you, “I am so sorry this happened to you. I’m hanging here for your sake. I’m hanging here to pay for that sin against you. Will you accept what I’m doing here as payment enough? Will you forgive them and be free?”

That’s the way to freedom and it’s wonderful. As you accept what Jesus did on that cross and forgive those who sinned against you, you will feel the weight of that sin fall away from you. We were not designed to carry such weights and that’s why Jesus said, “All who are weary and heavy laden, give me your burden . . . and I will give you rest.”

He alone can carry the weight of sin.

We were meant to live in the freedom Jesus bought for us on the cross.

May you find the peace only forgiveness can bring into your life.

bjb Dec. 09 ©

Saturday, December 5, 2009

My Family

After the children are grown, you would think life would take on more peace, after all, my kid-raising days are gone.

But, then they have children and my 'concerns' multiply as each of the Grandchildren (hereafter known as Grands) start coming along!

However much I worried about doing the right things for and with my children, having my Grands increased that with the significant difference of not being able to do darn a thing about any of it, the Grands belong to my children and they now have the responsibility of raising the little loves of my life!

The only time I get any input into how things are said and done is when my kids ask me!

Do you know how difficult that can be?

When all is said and done though, I sit back and trust my children have chosen what wisdom they learned from me, from the best parts of their childhood and will pass that down, making decisions from what they learned as they grew up.

The only other thing I know to do is trust that God absolutely loves my children and Grands way more than I ever could and will guide and direct their lives, as He did with me.

May you also know the riches & joys of children and grandchildren in your life.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Joys & Heartaches of the Christmas Season

It's supposed to be a season of good cheer, one of love and spending time with friends and family. What we sometimes forget are the many who will be alone with neither friends nor family.

There are so many reasons for one to be alone at Christmas. For me, it's as simple as having moved quite a distance from where my family is. The winter weather conditions make it wiser to stay here rather than chance the trip.

But the ones I'm thinking of right now are those I work for, the elderly residents who will face the day alone except for those of us who are blessed to be able to work Christmas Day.

They are sick, lonely and they often have no family nearby and their only friends will be those living in that home with them. Oh, there may be little groups who come in to walk the halls singing Christmas carols, but who takes the time to just sit with them and listen while they reminisce, lost in their memories? Or who sits with them while they cry out of loneliness, or mourn with them because another 'neighbour' died recently? I know everyone has their plans but the elderly are often overlooked as the day fills with the busyness of Christmas Day.

But, these are some of the ones who need us most.

So if you're one who will spend the day with family and friends, celebrating the joys of the season, I challenge you to remember the elderly whom you know and who knows intimately the heartache of a lonely Christmas Season. Maybe if your schedule has a little room, you might find a bit of time to visit the Nursing Home they live in and let them know how much they are loved.

Blessings in this Christmas Season